Fleeting...

Each day just keeps getting worse.  I can't keep going like this.  

I am miserable.  Each day, it's the same thing... I go to school... I come home... I sit in front of my computer screen for a few hours... and then I lay in my bed for a few hours before I can actually get to sleep, which is usually around 3 am.  (Now it's even worse, because one of the legs on my bed broke because it was an extralong twin mattress on a normal twin frame... and we can't afford to by a new one anytime in the near future, so I'm stuck with a bed that slants 30 degrees on most of the right side of it.)  I stayed back home to help my mom with the bills and to keep us from losing our house and being homeless... again... and of course, I still don't have a job, and our finances are still getting worse.  I'm only finishing OCB because of the scholarships, loans, and money we have invested in it... I'm convinced that place is just a ripoff.  I don't even know if broadcasting is what I want to do with my life.  I'm sure OCB isn't going to be much of a help getting a job anyway unless it's in the middle of nowhere in Montana.  And everyday that I'm trapped in this house... it's either stay in my oven of a room in front of the computer or TV, or go downstairs, and sit there and do nothing, and eventually listen to my mom go on about "my dad and his whore" and just drive me even more crazy.  It's hard to be strong and listen to it over and over for 2 years.  I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually depleted... and I'm all alone.

The friends I do have are either too far away... are too busy to make time for me...  or just don't care.  Classmates of mine at OCB only care about drinking... that's their idea of bonding or having a good time... which means I don't have them either since I don't do that.  Yes, I do realize that there are those that I talk to that care... don't get me wrong, I am grateful for it all... but... I need more than just talking or words the internet... I need someone there next to me to say it'll be ok, or someone to just hang out with to forget my worries for a couple hours.  A shoulder to cry on.  I just need someone to let me know I'm worth their time...

I'm sure if someone does respond to this... the response will probably just be "pray about it."  Oh believe me, I have been... and it's not changing anything... so then you may say I don't mean it, or I'm not allowing things to change... and I'm sorry, but that's complete bull.  Believe me... I've been praying.  And not to step on anyone's toes, but I think some people use the response of "pray about it" as an easy way out so that they don't have to be there for their "friend"... God'll take care of it.... Well what if God's way of taking care of it is you being there for your friend?

I need a change... I need to get away... I need anything but this... and sadly... there's not a thing I can do about it...

If you took time to read this... I do greatly appreciate it... at least I'm worth a couple of minutes of your time... and that does truly mean something to me.